Easter has just passed and in my part of the world it was an amazingly beautiful weekend (see www.facebook.com/healthier marriages to see some of the beauty of where I was). Spring can really bring alive our hope in life all around us as we notice the signs of renewal and growth everywhere. You can use this time to notice where you need to grow in yourself and your relationship. Places to check for possible growth are;
- How are you doing as a partner? It is often the little things that make things go smoother such as everyday kindnesses and courtesy in your relationship. The times that we remember to say thank-you for an everyday task that our partner performs or noticing and helping to smooth the way for our partner as we would others (such as holding the door etc are ways that this kindness and courtesy can help your relationship.
- How about acts of supreme love such as when you recognize that your partners negative emotion that is directed at you is not appropriate but you accept and love your partner, choosing not to react to the injustice. I call this a supreme act of love because it is very hard for us to let go of our sense of justice and allow mercy to rule in our relationship.
- How about when your partner’s vulnerability is showing? Such as their inability to be able to negotiate. Are you able to curtail your own drive for winning and help your partner to negotiate, to be understood by you and to allow yourself to be influenced by your partner?
- How about actually listening to and trying to understand what you partner has repeatedly tried to tell you. And then entertaining the idea of how you might change that which is bothering them.
These are just 4 possible growth areas that might make a difference to you personally as well as your relationship. You may have a few things that you know would make a difference but you have been putting them off. Now is a great time to focus on yourself and where you could make one change now. We are entering our second quarter of 2013 and we are 3 months away from our New Years resolutions. Most of us need reminders as the year passes of what we really wanted from the year and reminders of the effort it will take us to get there along with the rewards that will happen when we actually make the changes necessary. Go forth and be wonderful in this!
I was reminded of the Christian religious model of extravagant love that Easter represents and realizing how short we fall of that model in many cases. Although we are connecting beings, family gatherings at Easter can be difficult for many, as families come in many shapes and sizes, and can be difficult to navigate in love. Kids are often excited and consequently sleep deprived and couples are sometimes not on the same side about relatives. Yet we keep hoping and even expecting that our time together will be different this year. In the book “The Intentional Family”, William Doherty talks about minimizing the risks of breakdowns in relationships over the holidays by planning for what people can handle ahead of time. Give people time to plan for the event. If there is someone who is emotionally disconnected at this time, invite them to the family event anyway. Let everyone know who is being invited and they will make their own choices accordingly. If there are challenges with alcohol in the family, perhaps you can have an Easter brunch. Perhaps the family will do better with an outdoor event rather then an indoor event. Perhaps a good meal in a restaurant is just about all you can handle together. Choose times that have the potential for creating a good memory together.
