In this blog, I am usually talking about concrete skills to create a healthier marriage. These are based on research and if you learn them and practice them, I am confident your marital relationship will become one that works well for both you and your partner. Today I want to write a short note about the softer parts of what makes a great partner. I find these show up in my counselling office and create some great moments between couples. What are some of them?
1. Let me know I am your hero/ heroine. I want to be that for you and when you let me know in those moments that I am that for you, I feel great about myself and us.
2. Let me know that I am attractive to you sexually. Not just when we are going to make love but during the day when you are thinking of me. When you do this, I feel connected to you biologically, emotionally and in every way.
3. Let me know you are thinking about me during the day when we are apart. Give me a quick call to connect. I will put you on a special ring on my phone and answering your call will be a priority for me.
4. Let me see that I am on your calendar as you are on mine for our special times in the year together. Making us a priority in this concrete way raises my sense of being important to you and my sense of security in the relationship.
5. Let me know that my thoughts and feelings are honoured by you, by turning towards me and looking at me when I talk to you. When I feel listened to in this way, I feel loved.
6. Let me know that I am important and that we are is important to you by remembering our special occasions together and marking them with celebration. As a way to help you remember, having them programmed into your iPhone is okay with me. When you do this, it draws me towards you and makes the we in our relationship more intimate.
7. Let me know that you remember the good times when we are having a rough patch in the context of our lives or in our relationship. Hearing my partner remembering when… in a positive way, reduces my sense of loneliness in those times and reinforces my sense of belonging to you and my hope for the future.
8. Let me see that you are working on yourself and our relationship in an ongoing way. We are not perfect but our changing provides a great model for our family and gives me ongoing hope that 2 imperfect people can create an amazing loving life together.
9. Let me know often when I am doing something right. I want to be a good partner and when you reinforce me by telling me I am doing something right it makes me want to strive for more.
10. Let me see the softer side of you, not just your anger but the hurt that lies below. Not just your assertiveness or aggression but your uncertainty and your vulnerability. This really draws me to you and meets my longing to know the whole of you.
These are just a few, but a powerful few when you put them into practice. If you need any of these attributes in your relationship, put each on a sticky until you have practiced it well and then move on to the next. Go forth and be Wonderful!
Sending you my love and encouragement! Lynda
