John Gottman’s research found that defensiveness was one of 4 important ways that relationships break down. If you are the person in the relationship that is defensive, it is so important that you take care of this in yourself so that the relationship is not damaged. Often when one person in the relationship brings up something negative, (more…)
Healthier Marriages – Lynda Chalmers
Spice Up Your Relationship
I love September. Maybe it is a leftover from having kids going back to school but it seems to me it is like New Years. A time of opportunity and change. I get re-enthused about my blogging and want to start some new courses for the fall and develop new programs to help you. One of the coming programs is an on line course based on John Gottman’s research and his book called ‘Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ that I am currently putting together. More to come on that. This morning it was foggy for the first time, a sure sign of fall where I live. It adds a bit of mystery to the morning world and I was thinking how fun that was. Variety is important to us as humans and keeps our brain healthy. I wondered what newness, mystery or opportunity you can facilitate in your relationship and your life for this season? Sit down together and pull out the calendar. Without this step it is not likely to happen. Brainstorm some possibities that you might like to do together this fall. Perhaps you can go away for the weekend or join a class together. You are really only limited by your brainstorming so go for it! Use the momentum of the natural change in the season to spice up your relationship and tune up the connection between you! Do something different and add some health and mystery to your relationship. Mark it in the calendar! Go forth and be wonderful!
Be Aware of Your Capacity to Affect Your Partner’s Emotional and Physical Health?
Brain research shows us that we are much more relational then we thought we were and so much a part of “we” in the world then we previously thought. What that means in relationship is that we have the potential to effect our partner for good or for bad. I remember when I was in grad school, long before we had the great brain research we have today, we did a little experiment. In the greater class the professor asked for a volunteer. He tested this person’s energy / strength by pressing down on their arm, while the person pushed up. We then sent the person out of the room, closed the door and thought negative thoughts about them. At that point the volunteer returned to the room and the professor tested their energy / strength again using the same method. The volunteer’s muscles were too weak to hold their arm up at all. As she did not know what we were doing, she was greatly surprised (as were we!). We then sent the poor soul back out of the room again and thought positive thoughts about them. When tested again, their muscles were strong again. I remember being amazed at the impact we could have on others, just with our silent thoughts.
That seems pretty profound to me. Are you taking that responsibility on in your relationship? Is it your intention to watch out for your partner’s emotional health? Do you direct your energy towards positive interactions together? Do you think positive thoughts about your partner often? Do you give your partner the loving gift of your touch? One idea that I recently heard was to choose a couple of words that you want to be for your partner and whenever you are about to connect with your partner you bring to mind those 2 words that you intend to be for your partner. For instance, if I chose loving and supportive, when I walked into the house at the end of the day, I would be sure to give my partner a loving touch, say words of love such as I missed you today and then I would see what I might do to support him or her in our time together. These ideas are some ideas that Gottman found in his research to predict whether or not your relationship will sustain and be happy. Use this information to go forth and be wonderful today!
Jack Sprat could eat no fat…
Jack Sprat could eat no fat…
Today’s blog is about differences and how to handle them in long term relationships. At first most differences are delightful in our partner. Those we don’t find so delightful we are able to put aside. It may not be long, however, when those differences loom up in a negative way and we start to let them separate us. Or perhaps we begin a long campaign to change the other person, creating difficult dynamics in the relationship. When I am talking about differences here, I am not talking about issues such as drugs alcohol, affairs, violence, or other issues that will threaten or betray the attachment that you have. I am talking about the everyday differences that can be irritating. One of the best ways to think about differences between you is to decide to honour them and to make sure they do not play a part in disconnecting you. Let’s take an example that can certainly become disconnecting for some couples. John is a meat lover and Jen is a vegetarian. At first they managed by each making their own dinner and doing their own grocery shopping. It was disconnecting in that they were not a team while doing this. Soon, Jen started making disparaging, in fact, remarks of disgust when John’s meal was being prepared (gagging over the smell of the food). John came back with as good as he got and they each became more isolated and hurt. They were now preparing their meals at different times, not eating together and/or eating out a lot.
What would honouring their differences look like?
• Accepting what is important to each of you. In this case, John and Jen would need to accept each other’s values around food. Part of that acceptance is to know that your opinion is not superior to your partners and that many different bodies need different nutrition and over many millennium people have had different preferences.
• Begin to become a team in your differences. Shop together or shop for each other. Watch out for special foods your partner might like. This act says I accept you and care about what you like.
• Cook together. Chop and dice for each other. Try out recipes that can have meat or vegetables added to the dish so that you are sharing some tastes together. Have an attitude of curiosity about the other’s preferences. This says we are in this together.
• Be grateful for the many parts of the food that you are sharing. For the farmers, the soil, the animals – all that go into your meal together. Gratitude and criticism cannot share the same space together.
This example (although very difficult for some couples) is just one example that you can use to find ways to honour each other’s differences. Remember the example of Jack Sprat…
Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
And so betwixt them both you see
They licked the platter clean
Take this as a great metaphor on how you can manage your differences in a way that the whole is greater then the sum of the parts. Go forth and be wonderful!
Yikes – What Happened to Your Sex Life After Kids? What Can You Do About It?
You remember in a kind of distant way that you used to enjoy making love to each other and you had the energy and drive to do so. Now, you barely have your bed to yourselves without another young child in with you. I remember times when I could not even escape to have a private moment in the bathroom – I am sure you are experiencing that too if you are reading this. When you do have a moment to yourselves, you often just collapse and fall asleep with sex being at the bottom of your priority list. It is not that your love or commitment to each other has left the relationship. It is the context of your life that is getting in the way. At this time in your life, you must rearrange the way that you think of making love. It needs to become not so much about the orgasm between you (only a few seconds) but the way you lovingly, deeply and romantically connect with each other. So what can you do about it?
1. Always be responsive to making a love connection all day. Become more attuned to each other so this responsiveness adds to your emotional zest rather then taking it away. For instance, something as simple as when you leave each other, make sure to look in each other’s eyes and give each other a satisfying kiss and hug. Do the same when you and your partner reconnect. This simple connection has been shown by research to have a profound effect on your relationship.
2. Keep positive loving thoughts about your partner close to the surface of your mind. If possible, connect during the day by phone or text, letting your partner know you love them.
3. Use touch way more often then you have done so before. As you pass each other, a light touch on your shoulder or hand is important and affirms your physical connection together. Have more spontaneous hugs.
4. Purchase a book that you can write what you like/love about your partner once a day or every other day. This simple habit is really helpful to keep remembering the positives about your partner and your relationship when your kids take a lot of your attention and emotional energy. It is fun to go back on this book over time and relish what you each loved about each other. So the stems of the sentences you use could be: I like it when you…. I love that part of you… etc. It is one book that you each write in, passing it back and forth.
5. Plan for an extended time to make love. Don’t even try for spontaneity in making love at this time of your life. Put lovemaking on the calendar. If possible, have a friend or family member look after the kids, even for an hour and a half. If you are fortunate to have longer, have some romance and a simple dinner together. A movie is not recommended. You can do that when your kids are asleep and at home. Watching a movie does not take full advantage of the intimate connection between you. When this planned date occurs, relax, play and enjoy each other and the fun of making love.
6. If your child is sleeping with you every night, at the expense of your sexual intimacy, begin to help your child into their own bed. There is a whole theory about the advantages of the ‘family bed’ but I believe that there are more advantages for kids to be securely attached and able to self soothe in their own bed, knowing that their parents are still there for them when needed. Invite your kids into your bed for a cuddle in the morning when they wake up, but do give them and your partnership intimacy the advantages of moving them into their own bed.
7. When you finally do have time to make love, do not allow the little irritations and annoyances of life to keep you apart. Remember that marriage is a journey and you will have time to sort out those annoyances on another day. They will appear again and today is for romance. Remember, for women especially, making love begins in our mind so you really need to put the annoyances on the shelf in order to come to this precious time together in a frame of mind that will allow you both to enjoy each other.
Really! These 7 ideas will work to help you continue to romantically and lovingly connect during this time. Put these ‘must do’s’ in a prominent place where you are able to weave them into your relationship to create something wonderful!
Marriage Advise from Real Life Inspiration
My friend, John Walter Wilson (Jack), who was 93 years old, died a couple of weeks ago and his funeral was on Saturday. As I reflected on his life and heard from his daughter and grandchildren who spoke of him, I was reminded of him as an example of how to live life well and fully. He was an RCMP officer and in his adult life he really paid attention to the study of who people were and how to bring out the best in them. In the story of his life, there were lots of examples of him looking for the best in people and focussing on that (even for those as extreme as murderers). He took time with people, honouring them with the patience of going at their pace. He was collaborative and culturally sensitive in his work and life. He was well known for living his values with integrity, something that is often missing these days. You could count on his values (his daughter recalled that his real life stories reflected the values in Bible stories). He lived with a compass point that was true. In his work and life he was somehow able to balance both justice and mercy. His life showed values of kindness and he liked to encourage people. He was interested in everyone he met and therefore could strike up a conversation with almost anyone. That quality of him was important to me, as he never failed to encourage me and was interested in how I was doing throughout my graduate degree studies. He knew how to make people feel cared for. He was also a practical helper to those who needed him. I was a recipient of that helping at a time when I really needed it. Those who were intimate in his life experienced him as amazingly positive. The nurses at the hospital would love him as he was filled with gratitude and humour as they cared for him through near death experiences. He loved the good things in life including good food! He relished family and friend gatherings. He loved music and had 1000’s of songs on his iPad and computer (maybe that contributed to his positive mood!). Right up to his death, he had the latest Apple products and could use them all (something I am in awe of)!
The way that he did marriage was rather wonderful. As with all marriages, his was not always a fantasy bed of roses, but he brought out the best in both himself and his wife. He treated his wife with honour and faithfulness. He was a teaser and you could see him make her laugh even after 60 years of marriage. Whenever the opportunity presented itself, they would be holding hands. He bragged about her and her characteristics any time you would let him. He called herS ‘Sweetie’ and during his recent years of ill health he remained grateful to her for all she did for him. He talked about his marriage in glowing terms, showing us all in his every day actions towards his wife what real love What could we learn from Jack on how to live and love well together? I believe my friend’s advice from his real life experience would be:
1. Believe the best in people – especially each other (have a positive sentiment override) – bring out the best in each other
2. Put love and relationships as your highest priority in life – Take the time and effort to be interested in each other’s lives as well as other’s in your path
3. Practice gratitude in whatever circumstances you are in
4. Enjoy every moment of life that you can – live life to the fullest together
5. Reach out to others in a helping way – don’t be insulated and inward – share yourselves
6. Take responsibility for your mood in relationships – enjoy the gifts of music – Music lifts your mood
7. Have a sense of humour in your relationship – make each other laugh – have fun
together
8. Brag about what you love about your partner to others – look for ways to do this
9. Touch each other often, hold hands and have pet names for each other
10. Live with integrity – be a partner that can always be counted on to be there, it makes it easier to be well loved by your partner and as well as others
My friend was such an inspiration to me and I hope he will be to you, especially in your marriage! Be inspired today and go forth and be wonderful!
Relationship Lessons from the Season of Easter
Happy Easter everyone!
I love this time of year where I live. The season really lives up to the meaning of Easter and rebirth. I got out my linen wear and am no longer going to wear the heavy black of winter. The Hyacinths that are in my kitchen are giving off their rich scent of life, helping to create an atmosphere of gratitude. It is good. There are many possible positive influences of this season for your relationship.
For instance, as I saw couples recently, there was a real need for rebirth in their relationships, both from a hope perspective and a change perspective. If this describes you, consider embracing the needed change. Consider it a gift of being in your particular relationship. Celebrate it. Decide to focus on hope, knowing that you are in control of how hopeful you feel. Consider the rich scents of the budding and blooming flowers and the fresh scent of growing grasses when you step outside in the springtime. What kind of a relationship atmosphere do you contribute to? Are you able to let go of the small stuff and give up your control issues for the richness of an environment of love? We were looking at the consequences of sacrificial love (another theme of Easter) when the timing for change is not at hand. Or the consequences of anger when we realize that the timing for change is not right now. Doing something out of love creates the environment inside and outside that we crave. Celebrate when you are able to choose something out of sacrificial love.
As I get older, I realize that the seasons are important symbols of what we need in our lives at various times. Spring is a time of planting and enjoying the fruits of last year’s labour when the bulbs come up beautifully and without much effort. What can you see in your relationship that you have been working on for a season of time that is now going more smoothly and giving you some contentment. Look at how far you have come together. Celebrate that! Look at some great things that have come out of your relationship. Maybe someone else has benefitted from your struggles and your commitment through thick and thin. Maybe you have grown some great kids together or built a home together. Celebrate your family and children. This season is a time to celebrate as well as look for ways you can rebirth your relationship! What do you need to commit to this Easter? Talk to your partner about what you might like to change and ask for his or her encouragement. Go forth and be wonderful!
Peace as a Choice for Your Relationship
I agree with Michelle Weiner-Davis (author of “Divorce Busting” and many other relationship books) that telling everything in a relationship in the name of honesty does not work well. Sometimes choosing to keep the peace or to let something go is a good idea. This is related to John Gottman’s research which says that there needs to be a 5 to 1 ratio of positive interactions to negative in a healthy relationship. If your mindset (particularly in these dark months of winter) is more negative, making the choice to keep back some of that negativity is a good thing. We tend to focus on the negative when our lives are out of balance. For instance, the brain processes positive and negative differently. Positive things are processed through the hippocampus while negative things are processed through the amygdala. When we are sleep deprived (an astounding number of North American’s are sleep deprived) the hippocampus is directly affected. Therefore, the brain recalls more of the negative in our lives. So there are lots of reasons including the dark winter months that have us accessing the negative in our relationships.
When I am suggesting that you don’t share everything that you are thinking, I don’t mean that you will stop sharing your thoughts or yourself with each other but that you will keep things in balance. I am also not saying that you will perseverate on the negative and just keep simmering quietly about the issue. This really defeats the whole purpose. You might consider focussing on the positive in your relationship because where you focus WILL get amplified. You might consider turning your eyes on yourself, instead of your partner and look at the kind of partner you aspire to be. This may be helpful in “letting go” of the issue. A relationship is a living thing and needs to experience happiness. It is a journey and you will have other opportunities to make the same complaint. Balance is the key.
So where might you find some difficulties with doing this? For some couples who have challenges with emotional management skills, this idea is difficult to carry out. When they feel emotion, they also feel compelled to share the reasons for the intensity of their emotions. I have experienced some couples, who despite the consequences and repeated promises to manage their emotions before dumping them into the couple relationship, continue to do so, to the point the relationship breaks down permanently. If you find yourself in this category, and you have been consistently acting this out in your relationship, find a way that works for you to manage your emotions. If you consider that you have tried and tried to manage your emotions, consulting with a therapist to work through a change is a good idea.
Another helpful strategy is becoming aware of your vulnerabilities from the past that tend to make the present more intense. For instance, if your early childhood included circumstances where you were not listened to, this can spill into your relationship today. So when your partner is not fully focussed on you, you may experience today’s challenge with your partner in light of your early experience as well and feel more intensely negative then if you did not have that early experience. Being able to understand your vulnerabilities and being able to self soothe will be helpful when you are aiming to have some peace in your relationship. There will certainly be other opportunities to share your wish for your partner to change in this regard. Balance would mean that you will consider waiting for another opportunity, not that you will bury it and simmer. For those of you that regularly avoid confrontation, knowing your vulnerabilities will mean that you will balance by promising yourself a specific day that you will bring up your thoughts and desires regarding the relationship, negative or positive. When that day comes, you will follow through.
What are the benefits of “keeping the peace”? There are so many. Crowding out the negative leaves room for joy and playfulness. Connection and bonding together becomes so much easier when there is peace between you. Making positive memories becomes easier. Meeting each others needs becomes easier. Your attachment feels more secure. And all of these benefits translate into wonderful biological benefits as well. It is worth it to grow into this behaviour. Go forth and be wonderful in your relationship today!
Happy Happiness Day!
Wow, we actually have an international happiness day to help remind us of the importance of being involved with our own and our communities’ happiness. The General Assembly of the United Nations commissioned a Day of Happiness, to raise awareness that happiness, human flourishing and wellbeing are fundamental to all life. We know that flourishing people tend to be happier, healthier and smarter. They are more grateful, generous, creative, productive and open minded.
As always, the small and simple things can have a great impact for someone today. Smile more today and say hello. Put some coins in a metered parking space for someone else. Give a hug (if I were with you I would give you a hug – I am sending you one virtually!). Listen for understanding. Share a kind word with your kids or your partner. Lend a helping hand – hold the door for someone. Think warm thoughts for those you see. Let your imagination go wild as to how you could impact others.
Canada (where I am) ends up some where in the middle of the happiest people in the world. Many of our assumptions about what would make us happy are not true. For instance, wealth. After our basic needs are met, wealth is not a variable that makes us happy. Happiness is more an inside job, or an intrinsic characteristic such as gratitude rather then an outside variable, an extrinsic variable, such as wealth. Use this day as a great opportunity for discussion between you and your partner regarding what you are working for in your life to create happiness. The variables that make a difference world wide are also important to your partnership such as family and friend connections, having someone to count on, perceived freedom to make life choices and generosity are some of the variables world wide. Also take this day to reinforce your connections with each other and family and friends.
When you do this, it makes a difference with your children and also your networks. Your gestures of goodness, kindness and happiness can spread like a contagion. In some innovative research Cacioppo, Christakis, and Fowler (December 2009) have shown that happiness, loneliness, altruism, and whether people cheat all spread through networks. If people cooperate, it is more likely that strangers, three degrees removed, will also cooperate. Like an event cone, one act, whether it adds happiness or unhappiness, changes and alters unrelated events. We need to celebrate and promote happiness to help with the brokenness in the world as well as ourselves. Happy Happiness Day! – Celebrate today well.
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