Repair attempts are so important in a relationship and are difficult for us to do. What Gottman found in in his 40 some years of couple research is that what most distinguished couples who were masters of relationships and those who were disasters of relationship was the way they handled conflict and repair attempts. Those who were masters at their relationship could deescalate the negative emotion in the conversation when the conversation went off track they could quickly make repairs. I remember years ago when I was in training watching hours of couples who were arguing (interesting pastime…). I remember how some couples were so good at deescalating by using humour or by distraction. I particularly remember one couple who were having an argument and right in the middle of it, the guy said to his partner, “Oh I really like your shoes – are they new?”. She responded that she really like them too and that yes they were new. When they continued their argument, the heat had gone out of their battle. So, if you are having difficulties in the area of arguing where might you look in order to grow this part of your relationship?
A great quote from John Gottman’s book, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, is “Whether a repair succeeds or fails has very little to do with how eloquent it is and everything to do with the state of the marriage.” (P41) What that means to you is that if your repair attempts are not working, look to the foundations in the marriage first, rather then the repair attempt structure itself. 
The foundations include all that would come under friendship. Do you take the date night in your relationship seriously? Do you know your partner’s struggles and wishes for life? Do you know and empathize with their daily work life either away or at home? Do you know what they worry about especially at night? What hurts them in the world? Do you provide a place of safety for them? Are they able to talk to you and be understood – not fixed. Do you touch them often to reassure them – you are there for them? It is in these circumstances that we are able to make better repairs. The reason for this is that the conflict does not have the same importance as the relationship does. It becomes “just an issue”, not a threat to the relationship. Remembering that sometimes issues get resolved right away and sometimes they evolve and change over time or we change and the issue changes. Think on this in your relationship today. Go forth and Be Wonderful!
We get to choose our emotions and to effect our emotions towards the positive. Many adults still haven’t worked that out. They focus on their circumstance and how bad they are and were. They listen to the news and get more proof of how bad life is. They listen to the group opinion on social media and gain more proof of how bad life is. How might you change this? First make the decision you would like to live without your baggage. You make up your mind to choose some great luggage to travel with into the future. Next you do all the things I have talked to you about before. You make a choice in the morning to look for things to be grateful for. You make a choice to bring good into your world today (can be something small like letting people in for a lane change in the traffic). You choose to bring joy into your life and into the lives of those you love (you generate this joy by your thoughts). You choose to be 
accountable to yourself as you review your day each night for these things. These three ideas belong in that new luggage. Best wishes for a life of new fullness!
Once you have some practice, you will find it easier to understand yourself in this regard. At first you may not do this well each time. If you don’t do this well in the moment and regret your secondary emotional response, make sure your repair with your partner includes sharing what was really going on. If you are the hearer of these emotions, you will likely relate to these deep emotions. Your response is important. Make sure you honour the gift of your partners sharing by creating emotional safety and treat the gift with a gentle and reassuring response. This creates continuing attachment security in your relationship which is what we all long for.
This can be hard. I find letting go of things that I have enjoyed in the past but are not good for today more difficult then some of my friends who do this more easily. Look at all the parts of your life and what takes your time and energy. Is it still a good idea to continue or is it time to make a change and use your energy elsewhere? Talking this out with your partner is often helpful and of course, necessary when it includes their lives too. Sometimes it takes time for you and your partner to come together on a decision to let go that involves both of you. Don’t try to come to a decision quickly. Let there be discussion, listening and understanding. Do this over time until you can come together on your decision. Your readiness may not match and your partner may need more time. Remeber the value of letting go allows us to put something else (a positive emotion or maybe a great new opportunity!) in its place. Live life fully by allowing letting go to make room for positive and life giving new moments.
our values about shoes and cups in dishwashers etc. Yes, we do need to work some of these issues out satisfactorily but they cannot come between us in a way that we are trying to have our partner become who we are. Spending constant time trying to change our partner over years begins to erode the love that we have together. Spending time problem solving over these issues or getting some of what we may want can be helpful. For instance, purchasing a basket by the door that your partner can throw his or her shoes in might be a partial solution. Picking them up yourself in a spirit of love can work. Acceptance of your partner’s differences is the key. These issues become even more difficult when there are kids from another relationship and you are trying to set some boundaries that they are not used to. Spending more time affirming and enjoying who are partner is (or our partner’s kids) helps to cement attachment. Changing the way we frame our partner and enjoying their quirks and differences as separate from the way we are, increases the satisfaction in our relationships. It creates the kind of safety that over time, helps our partner want to change those very small details of our lives together. Write out the above quote and see where you might make a difference in this area of your loving.
