Healthier Marriages – Lynda Chalmers

15Dec
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Making the Season Joyful – Your Partner will be Grateful

Making the season joyful

Put your grumpy mind set away. Look at ways you might be different in the  season’s celebrations. Do you sit quietly and not interact with your partner’s relatives. Make a change in that. It is not about you (even though you are convinced that at least one relative is a few bricks short of a load) – find out what is going on in their lives. Show an interest. Prepare ahead for conversation starters, if you need to. Drawing others out is a whole lot  better for you personally, then sitting and suffering in silence. Most important is to decide that this year the season will hold many joys for you and then look out for them every day. Determine that the challenges will not dominate your season. Your change will be noticed by your partner and he/she will be grateful. The next published article will tell you some reasons why the celebrations are so important. Go forth with this and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!

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12Dec
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Making Plans for the Season; Be a Team for the Season’s Celebrations

Making plans: Be a team for Christmas Celebrations

How do you want your Christmas season to go? The season is a time of memory making and therefore can be more important then other times of the year. There are often many demands on us as couples for the Christmas season. And often we might not agree with how the season might be best celebrated. The introverts might want quite a bit of space for quiet in the holidays while the more extroverted might want quite a bit of entertaining and people involved in the holidays. Look at your must do’s, then find a way for each of you to experience some time in the season that looks like what you might like the time to be.   I find that for some couples, they feel they are alone in the planning and execution of the season’s festivities. Make sure that you are making this a team effort all around and that you are doing it with an open heart. Cherish that which brings joy to the other. Go forth and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!

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07Dec
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Create Your Seasonal ‘To Do’ List Together

Make your list together

There is often so much to be done at the Christmas season. As in other times of the year, you each need to feel you are on the same team. If you are one of those people who over function in your relationships and under-function in your self responsibility, this is the season for positive change. Together, write of list of what needs to be done and the date that it needs to be done by (don’t forget this important part) and then share the responsibility for getting each item on the list done. Volunteer for items and make sure you program your iphone or facsimile with the date and item to be done so that you can fulfill your responsibility with trustworthiness for the team. This allows both of you to know that this is a team effort and that one of you is not exhausted by Christmas and resenting the other. There is nothing worse for a season that focuses on love. Go forth and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!

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04Dec
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Endings…Freeing Yourself Emotionally, Add Health to Your Relationship

As we near the end of the year what have you left undone?

Finishing things leaves you freer emotionally. And who doesn’t need emotional energy to manage our lives these days. Some things can be finished, not just by doing the activity to completion but by re-evaluating whether it needs to be finished. Not finishing is not necessarily failure but smart when you have re-evaluated and need to use your energies for more relevant pursuits now. We not only have activities or goals from ‘to do’ lists but also emotional goals as well. Some emotional loose ends need to be forgiven and let go. Make a list of things you are still hanging on to and spend some time resolving these right now. Provided that you have had some understanding on both sides what the issues have been, decide that you will no longer bring them up in the new year. Forgiveness is a head decision and through decision and practice, you can be free of your old baggage (if this seems like an outrageous idea, you may need some help in counselling to make this happen for yourself). You can bring health to your relationship communication in the new year – just by this one idea that you decide to put into practice. You can start with a new slate and not carry your emotional baggage into the next year. Go forth and be wonderful. Cheering you on!

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01Dec
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Predictor of Greatness – Makes Sense for Marriage too!

At this time of the year, when I assign homework in my private practice with couples, they will sometimes say, we did not have time to even connect with each other. For those of you who are saying that to yourselves and putting everything wonderful about the season ahead of your marriage, listen up. I love to bring you great research regarding how to have a healthy relationship. However, sometimes it is profitable to look at other research to find out some secrets of greatness. In the late 1990’s there was an extensive review of people who where experts in sports, music, chess and visual arts (among others) to find out what separated these greats from others. It turns out that daily deliberate practice spanning a minimum of 10 years, even 20 years was a better predictor of world class greatness in their field then anything genetic like intelligence or even talent. It really was sustained hard work over many years that brought about the distinction of greatness. When thinking of marriage, it is not your family of origin that needs to predict your greatness in marriage – find out some good information and use sustained effort. For you who are discouraged, get back to the long-term effort that a great marriage takes – practice, practice practice. Go forth and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!

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12Nov
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Restorative Sleep Helps to Have a Healthy Relationship

Trying to do it all, including having a great relationship in our culture can be difficult. There are many impacts in our daily lives that pull at our emotional energy, leaving us less then prepared for the emotional demands of our relationships. One of the best things to help restore emotional energy is to have restorative sleep. Many studies show that North Americans suffer from too little sleep in this day and age. Taking responsibility for our own restorative sleep is important to our relationship.

Consider teaching yourself to sleep once more. Remind yourself that your bed is for sleeping and not for planning and worrying. Alternative health suggests rubbing your ears for 20 minutes before sleep. There is also research to suggest that taking a pure form of melatonin will also help with sleep. Of course, eating well (not late), not over drinking and exercising is also helpful to sleep. Making love before sleep also helps to have a restorative sleep. Napping, very specific amounts of time, can also be helpful for restorative sleep. If this is a difficulty for you, where will you start to make a change? Go forth and be wonderful in this – you will feel differently and look at yourself, your world and your relationship differently too!

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09Nov
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Date Nights in Marriage

This is one of the most important things a couple can do to create a healthy relationship. No, it doesn’t count when you take your children or have a couples night out. This is a time to renew and create  your coupleship, your friendship. Marriages are not a fairy tale where the prince kisses the princes and they live happily ever after. Especially in our day and age. They take some time and effort. It is hard to balance our lives with work and kids and health and all the rest of what we might do, but signing on for marriage means that it takes a top priority. When each of you hold the relationship in top priority it helps to build and sustain the trust in your relationship, which in turn keeps the foundation of your relationship firm. Make this a sacred marriage tradition. Go forth and be wonderful in this!

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04Nov
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Healthy Relationship Stories

When you are telling yourself the story of your relationship, what parts do you pick out? When I am listening to couples who are mostly well but are coming to counselling in order to get through a certain issue in their lives in this moment, their stories are positive and filled with life. For couples who are basically not doing well, their stories are filled with negativity. Yet when examined, their actual life stories can be quite similar, with the usual ups and downs of a long term committed relationship.  It is mostly what parts of their story that they are focussing on.The cost of reviewing your relationship in a never ending loop of negativity stretching back years is that you increase your own personal pain as well as your partners. Find something positive to focus on today – it will have great rewards physically, emotionally and relationally! Go forth and be wonderful!

 

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08Aug
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Summer Fun

Take advantage of summer fun and let it restore your marriage. Plan for relaxing the usual routine in the house and let yourself relax into the warmth and play of summer days. If you are working through the summer, come home and change into play clothes immediately. Changing clothes helps to transition into a different space psychologically. Eat out on your patio or grass, spend time in nature. Being present to what you are doing is so important to your restoration. Leave your stress and worries, leave the past and focus on the present beauty of today. Focus on being together, the love you share and find gratitude for each other and your relationship life together. Go forth and be wonderful today.

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29Jun
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Marriage Traditions

As we come to July 1st in Canada and July 4th in the US we are reminded of the importance of traditions. In many families today, traditions are a things of the past. You may have fond memories of your childhood history, “remember when we…” but have had difficulty in doing that in your own generation with your own family. Of course, remarriage can be a block to this as many other things in our culture at this time can be. However, research would say that building experiences and fond memories in your relationship, both as a couple and as a family is an important part of living in a healthy way. It is never too late to start a tradition and the coming holiday weekend might provide a way for you to begin soon.Go forth and be wonderful!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages and tagged with ,
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