How to Love Well Posts

You remember in a kind of distant way that you used to enjoy making love to each other and you had the energy and drive to do so. Now, you barely have your bed to yourselves without another young child in with you. I remember times when I could not even escape to have a private moment in the bathroom – I am sure you are experiencing that too if you are reading this. When you do have a moment to yourselves, you often just collapse and fall asleep with sex being at the bottom of your priority list. It is not that your love or commitment to each other has left the relationship. It is the context of your life that is getting in the way. At this time in your life, you must rearrange the way that you think of making love. It needs to become not so much about the orgasm between you (only a few seconds) but the way you lovingly, deeply and romantically connect with each other. So what can you do about it?

1. Always be responsive to making a love connection all day. Become more attuned to each other so this responsiveness adds to your emotional zest rather then taking it away. For instance, something as simple as when you leave each other, make sure to look in each other’s eyes and give each other a satisfying kiss and hug. Do the same when you and your partner reconnect. This simple connection has been shown by research to have a profound effect on your relationship.
2. Keep positive loving thoughts about your partner close to the surface of your mind. If possible, connect during the day by phone or text, letting your partner know you love them.
3. Use touch way more often then you have done so before. As you pass each other, a light touch on your shoulder or hand is important and affirms your physical connection together. Have more spontaneous hugs.
4. Purchase a book that you can write what you like/love about your partner once a day or every other day. This simple habit is really helpful to keep remembering the positives about your partner and your relationship when your kids take a lot of your attention and emotional energy. It is fun to go back on this book over time and relish what you each loved about each other. So the stems of the sentences you use could be: I like it when you…. I love that part of you… etc. It is one book that you each write in, passing it back and forth.
5. Plan for an extended time to make love. Don’t even try for spontaneity in making love at this time of your life. Put lovemaking on the calendar. If possible, have a friend or family member look after the kids, even for an hour and a half. If you are fortunate to have longer, have some romance and a simple dinner together. A movie is not recommended. You can do that when your kids are asleep and at home. Watching a movie does not take full advantage of the intimate connection between you. When this planned date occurs, relax, play and enjoy each other and the fun of making love.
6. If your child is sleeping with you every night, at the expense of your sexual intimacy, begin to help your child into their own bed. There is a whole theory about the advantages of the ‘family bed’ but I believe that there are more advantages for kids to be securely attached and able to self soothe in their own bed, knowing that their parents are still there for them when needed. Invite your kids into your bed for a cuddle in the morning when they wake up, but do give them and your partnership intimacy the advantages of moving them into their own bed.
7. When you finally do have time to make love, do not allow the little irritations and annoyances of life to keep you apart. Remember that marriage is a journey and you will have time to sort out those annoyances on another day. They will appear again and today is for romance. Remember, for women especially, making love begins in our mind so you really need to put the annoyances on the shelf in order to come to this precious time together in a frame of mind that will allow you both to enjoy each other.

Really! These 7 ideas will work to help you continue to romantically and lovingly connect during this time. Put these ‘must do’s’ in a prominent place where you are able to weave them into your relationship to create something wonderful!

     My friend, John Walter Wilson (Jack), who was 93 years old, died a couple of weeks ago and his funeral was on Saturday. As I reflected on his life and heard from his daughter and grandchildren who spoke of him, I was reminded of him as an example of how to live life well and fully. He was an RCMP officer and in his adult life he really paid attention to the study of who people were and how to bring out the best in them. In the story of his life, there were lots of examples of him looking for the best in people and focussing on that (even for those as extreme as murderers). He took time with people, honouring them with the patience of going at their pace. He was collaborative and culturally sensitive in his work and life. He was well known for living his values with integrity, something that is often missing these days. You could count on his values (his daughter recalled that his real life stories reflected the values in Bible stories). He lived with a compass point that was true. In his work and life he was somehow able to balance both justice and mercy. His life showed values of kindness and he liked to encourage people. He was interested in everyone he met and therefore could strike up a conversation with almost anyone. That quality of him was important to me, as he never failed to encourage me and was interested in how I was doing throughout my graduate degree studies. He knew how to make people feel cared for. He was also a practical helper to those who needed him. I was a recipient of that helping at a time when I really needed it. Those who were intimate in his life experienced him as amazingly positive. The nurses at the hospital would love him as he was filled with gratitude and humour as they cared for him through near death experiences. He loved the good things in life including good food! He relished family and friend gatherings. He loved music and had 1000’s of songs on his iPad and computer (maybe that contributed to his positive mood!). Right up to his death, he had the latest Apple products and could use them all (something I am in awe of)! 
The way that he did marriage was rather wonderful. As with all marriages, his was not always a fantasy bed of roses, but he brought out the best in both himself and his wife. He treated his wife with honour and faithfulness. He was a teaser and you could see him make her laugh even after 60 years of marriage. Whenever the opportunity presented itself, they would be holding hands. He bragged about her and her characteristics any time you would let him. He called herS  ‘Sweetie’ and during his recent years of ill health he remained grateful to her for all she did for him. He talked about his marriage in glowing terms, showing us all in his every day actions towards his wife what real love What could we learn from Jack on how to live and love well together? I believe my friend’s advice from his real life experience would be:
1. Believe the best in people – especially each other (have a positive sentiment override) – bring out the best in each other
2. Put love and relationships as your highest priority in life – Take the time and effort to be interested in each other’s lives as well as other’s in your path
3. Practice gratitude in whatever circumstances you are in
4. Enjoy every moment of life that you can – live life to the fullest together
5. Reach out to others in a helping way – don’t be insulated and inward – share yourselves
6. Take responsibility for your mood in relationships – enjoy the gifts of music – Music lifts your mood
7. Have a sense of humour in your relationship – make each other laugh – have fun
together
8. Brag about what you love about your partner to others – look for ways to do this
9. Touch each other often, hold hands and have pet names for each other
10. Live with integrity – be a partner that can always be counted on to be there, it makes it easier to be well loved by your partner and as well as others

My friend was such an inspiration to me and I hope he will be to you, especially in your marriage! Be inspired today and go forth and be wonderful!

Happy Easter everyone!
I love this time of year where I live. The season really lives up to the meaning of Easter and rebirth. I got out my linen wear and am no longer going to wear the heavy black of winter. The Hyacinths that are in my kitchen are giving off their rich scent of life, helping to create an atmosphere of gratitude. It is good. There are many possible positive influences of this season for your relationship.
For instance, as I saw couples recently, there was a real need for rebirth in their relationships, both from a hope perspective and a change perspective. If this describes you, consider embracing the needed change. Consider it a gift of being in your particular relationship. Celebrate it. Decide to focus on hope, knowing that you are in control of how hopeful you feel. Consider the rich scents of the budding and blooming flowers and the fresh scent of growing grasses when you step outside in the springtime. What kind of a relationship atmosphere do you contribute to? Are you able to let go of the small stuff and give up your control issues for the richness of an environment of love? We were looking at the consequences of sacrificial love (another theme of Easter) when the timing for change is not at hand. Or the consequences of anger when we realize that the timing for change is not right now. Doing something out of love creates the environment inside and outside that we crave. Celebrate when you are able to choose something out of sacrificial love.
As I get older, I realize that the seasons are important symbols of what we need in our lives at various times. Spring is a time of planting and enjoying the fruits of last year’s labour when the bulbs come up beautifully and without much effort. What can you see in your relationship that you have been working on for a season of time that is now going more smoothly and giving you some contentment. Look at how far you have come together. Celebrate that! Look at some great things that have come out of your relationship. Maybe someone else has benefitted from your struggles and your commitment through thick and thin. Maybe you have grown some great kids together or built a home together. Celebrate your family and children. This season is a time to celebrate as well as look for ways you can rebirth your relationship! What do you need to commit to this Easter? Talk to your partner about what you might like to change and ask for his or her encouragement. Go forth and be wonderful!