More about the new year… I have been doing some business planning and one of the exercises that was required was to look for a word or words that might represent what I want for the new year. Sometimes you will need to be thoughtful about the chosen word and sometimes in a series of circumstances as you look over the past year, the word seems to choose you. As a couple, this can also be a great exercise. Look for a wild word, one that will move you as a couple beyond your boundaries and expectations and will call you to a place of energy and passion together, to a relationship that keeps you growing in love. Or you might come up with a word separately and see how the words fit together. You might find that you make a delicious peanut butter cup together with some yummy chocolate on the outside and some yummy peanut butter in the centre. Write a paragraph that combines the words, see the strengths in that and let that be at least a part of your vision for the future of the new year.
Healthier Marriages Posts
Happier New Year – Healthier Attitudes in Relationship
Wishing all of my loyal community a Happy New Year! I trust that you are filled with hope and expectations for your relationship in the year 2013. Looking at becoming a great partner means looking at your general attitudes about life. Are you generally optimistic about your life? We are not talking about the state of the world or other parts of life that we cannot necessarily influence or control at this moment but all of our life that we have been given influence and choice over. That includes our attitude every day. You influence your partner’s biology for good or for bad when you walk together in your home, and in all your life journey together. Remember that marriages that are working well are having 5 positive transactions compared to 1 negative transaction and those who are heading for the divorce court are the opposite (Gottman). I encourage you to welcome this new year, expecting it to be full of things that you have never lived before. Be open to what might be coming in its shiny moments and in its challenges. Imagine yourself as a couple, living the year as a great team. Make small incremental changes in your move from a negative attitude to a positive attitude. Enjoy the energy that results from a positive attitude. It is one of the things in life that you actually can control – make good use of that choice. Go forth in 2013 and be wonderful!
Couple Care and Self Care for the Season
Take some moments each day together. Light a scented candle, and give a small gift to each other of a foot massage, a back rub, or a face to face listen of how things are going. Let the other sleep in, take a chore off their list. Have a glass of wine, an eggnog, or a cup of christmas tea, each of which acknowledges the specialness of the season. Take the time to acknowledge the specialness of each other and you as a couple. Watch out for the joy that the little things bring in this season. Appreciate what brings your partner joy and is important to them in the season. Be glad with them, even though you may not share the same things that bring him or her joy. Take note of what you want to remember as special for this season. Go forth and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!
New Traditions Can Create New Levels of Happiness in Relationships
This is a great day to set up a new tradition of gratitude in this season. Every day of the season, name something that you are grateful for that happened this year. Some of the time, focus on the couple relationship or your partner in your gratitude. Decide together to do some things for others that affirms your own multiple blessings this year. When you are grocery shopping (my cart is usually very full when buying family Christmas meals, an indication of lots of blessings), buy an extra something and put it in the food boxes that take collections at this time of the year. Put a quarter in the parking meter to help out the next person. When you get a coffee, think of someone else who might like one. Leave muffins for the custodians who clean your office. Look at how some little things, done from the heart might really cheer your mate. For instance, fill their car with gas, vacuum their car out for the season, make their favourite meal. You will be surprised at the change in your own mood and the climate of your day and relationships. I know people who do this on a regular bases and just thinking about them right now brings a smile to my face. These activities must be done with an open heart and come from the knowledge of the fullness of life you have experienced over the year. Try this, even if it is just around the dinner table. Go forth and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!
The Spiritual Aspects of the Season
Take time to be in the moment of the spiritual aspects of Christmas/ Hanukkah. What does the season mean to you? Start to articulate that for yourself. Some people complain that Christmas is just a commercial venture and then they behave like scrooge instead of taking the opportunity to make the season meaningful. Our culture sets you up to help with that by having days off which give the opportunity to connect and relate in love. Sit down together with your partner for a couple of hours, inside the house or around the tree, or outside of your home in a coffee shop. Let each other know what is great about the season for you and why? Open the conversation to “God talk” or “higher power” or ?. Christmas, like love and marriage are spiritual themes. As people age, they often change their beliefs and become open to the spiritual aspects of life. Although you may not be on the same page, adopt an attitude of curiosity and openness to know where your partner is in this. Talk about how you will find ways to make room for the spiritual this season, for each other.
The Importance of Marriage and Family Traditions
It turns out that keeping up your traditions is an important part of family and personal mental health. The research shows over and over that traditions are statistically linked to family strengths and family satisfaction. Family traditions help to span and unite generations. They have the byproduct of families gaining greater feelings of closeness, belonging and connections. Family traditions help to preserve the family story. Strong families tend to create even more traditions. Traditions are helpful when things are not going well and when there are things to celebrate. They form a sense of security. When things are not going well (I have lost my job, for instance) the stability of traditions create a place of security and say that not everything is going wrong, I still have my family. It is good to remember all these qualities of resilience that grow from family traditions. When you think about how you react to Christmas family traditions, and the many benefits of family traditions, have you been valuing your family traditions the way you would want to? Your family traditions and your response to them need to reflect where your heart is.go forth and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!
Making the Season Joyful – Your Partner will be Grateful
Making the season joyful
Put your grumpy mind set away. Look at ways you might be different in the season’s celebrations. Do you sit quietly and not interact with your partner’s relatives. Make a change in that. It is not about you (even though you are convinced that at least one relative is a few bricks short of a load) – find out what is going on in their lives. Show an interest. Prepare ahead for conversation starters, if you need to. Drawing others out is a whole lot better for you personally, then sitting and suffering in silence. Most important is to decide that this year the season will hold many joys for you and then look out for them every day. Determine that the challenges will not dominate your season. Your change will be noticed by your partner and he/she will be grateful. The next published article will tell you some reasons why the celebrations are so important. Go forth with this and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!
Making Plans for the Season; Be a Team for the Season’s Celebrations
Making plans: Be a team for Christmas Celebrations
How do you want your Christmas season to go? The season is a time of memory making and therefore can be more important then other times of the year. There are often many demands on us as couples for the Christmas season. And often we might not agree with how the season might be best celebrated. The introverts might want quite a bit of space for quiet in the holidays while the more extroverted might want quite a bit of entertaining and people involved in the holidays. Look at your must do’s, then find a way for each of you to experience some time in the season that looks like what you might like the time to be. I find that for some couples, they feel they are alone in the planning and execution of the season’s festivities. Make sure that you are making this a team effort all around and that you are doing it with an open heart. Cherish that which brings joy to the other. Go forth and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!
Create Your Seasonal ‘To Do’ List Together
Make your list together
There is often so much to be done at the Christmas season. As in other times of the year, you each need to feel you are on the same team. If you are one of those people who over function in your relationships and under-function in your self responsibility, this is the season for positive change. Together, write of list of what needs to be done and the date that it needs to be done by (don’t forget this important part) and then share the responsibility for getting each item on the list done. Volunteer for items and make sure you program your iphone or facsimile with the date and item to be done so that you can fulfill your responsibility with trustworthiness for the team. This allows both of you to know that this is a team effort and that one of you is not exhausted by Christmas and resenting the other. There is nothing worse for a season that focuses on love. Go forth and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!
Endings…Freeing Yourself Emotionally, Add Health to Your Relationship
As we near the end of the year what have you left undone?
Finishing things leaves you freer emotionally. And who doesn’t need emotional energy to manage our lives these days. Some things can be finished, not just by doing the activity to completion but by re-evaluating whether it needs to be finished. Not finishing is not necessarily failure but smart when you have re-evaluated and need to use your energies for more relevant pursuits now. We not only have activities or goals from ‘to do’ lists but also emotional goals as well. Some emotional loose ends need to be forgiven and let go. Make a list of things you are still hanging on to and spend some time resolving these right now. Provided that you have had some understanding on both sides what the issues have been, decide that you will no longer bring them up in the new year. Forgiveness is a head decision and through decision and practice, you can be free of your old baggage (if this seems like an outrageous idea, you may need some help in counselling to make this happen for yourself). You can bring health to your relationship communication in the new year – just by this one idea that you decide to put into practice. You can start with a new slate and not carry your emotional baggage into the next year. Go forth and be wonderful. Cheering you on!
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