Healthier Marriages Posts

07Apr
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Spring – a Time of Recommitment

Spring represents new life and rebirth. If your commitment together was a long time ago, this spring might be an excellent time to consider a new recommitment between your partner and yourself. Imagine the meaning of being chosen by your partner once again! Use a date night in the next 2 weeks to do this. Talk to your partner about how you might make this recommitment ritual meaningful for both of you. Some people find that rewriting their vows makes a big difference in their thinking and being in the relationship. Sometimes it is good to have a symbol that helps to renew your commitment to your relationship.

One idea is to buy a small tree and plant it in your garden or a pot on your balcony. Take care of the plant together, noticing the changes and growth that occurs as you water and fertilize it and it gets exposed to the sunlight. Write a list of things that help your relationship to grow. What is represented by the elements of water, of fertilizer, of sunlight in your relationship?

Some couples like to keep this ritual private and others do not. Consider how it might affect your children if they knew that you were recommitting yourself to each other. Consider how you would feel if you let other couples who are your closest friends know of your recommitment. Or, how would you feel if they told you they were recommitting to each other. We live in community and are affected by one another. Your increase in attachment makes a positive difference to your community whether you choose to share or not to share your recommitment. Go forth and be wonderful in this!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How to Love Well and tagged with , , , ,
04Apr
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Happy Spring – A time of New Growth

Easter has just passed and in my part of the world it was an amazingly beautiful weekend (see www.facebook.com/healthier marriages to see some of the beauty of where I was). Spring can really bring alive our hope in life all around us as we notice the signs of renewal and growth everywhere. You can use this time to notice where you need to grow in yourself and your relationship. Places to check for possible growth are;

  1. How are you doing as a partner? It is often the little things that make things go smoother such as everyday kindnesses and courtesy in your relationship. The times that we remember to say thank-you for an everyday task that our partner performs or noticing and helping to smooth the way for our partner as we would others (such as holding the door etc are ways that this kindness and courtesy can help your relationship.
  2. How about acts of supreme love such as when you recognize that your partners negative emotion that is directed at you is not appropriate but you accept and love your partner, choosing not to react to the injustice. I call this a supreme act of love because it is very hard for us to let go of our sense of justice and allow mercy to rule in our relationship.
  3. How about when your partner’s vulnerability is showing? Such as their inability to be able to negotiate. Are you able to curtail your own drive for winning and help your partner to negotiate, to be understood by you and to allow yourself to be influenced by your partner?
  4. How about actually listening to and trying to understand what you partner has repeatedly tried to tell you. And then entertaining the idea of how you might change that which is bothering them.

These are just 4 possible growth areas that might make a difference to you personally as well as your relationship. You may have a few things that you know would make a difference but you have been putting them off. Now is a great time to focus on yourself and where you could make one change now. We are entering our second quarter of 2013 and we are 3 months away from our New Years resolutions. Most of us need reminders as the year passes of what we really wanted from the year and reminders of the effort it will take us to get there along with the rewards that will happen when we actually make the changes necessary. Go forth and be wonderful in this!

 

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How to Love Well and tagged with , , , , , , ,
17Mar
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3 Ways to Embrace Your Differences in Relationships

Part of making your relationship work is to be able to embrace your differences. Continuing to try to change your partner or look at their different personality characteristics as flaws will keep you in a power struggle. So how  to change this?

1. Just because you have differences does not mean that you both do not need to be heard. Use your voice to let your partner know how you feel and listen well with understanding to hear what they feel about your challenges together. Use ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ in your conversations together to be inclusive. As you have experienced, there are even differences in the way people naturally communicate in relationships. Make sure you can articulate exactly how your partner thinks and feels about the issues you struggle with. Even if you have argued about the same difference for a long time, check out with them periodically that you still understand where they are at. Continue to have an attitude of curiosity about your partner. Allow the differences to be something quirky  between you instead of a fault. If possible, find some humour in your differences. Wouldn’t that be a change from your current fighting stance?

2.Listen to your partner’s complaints – allow the differences to be there and be open to making compromises in all kinds of ways. Brainstorm moving together on the challenges. If you are great a starting things and your partner cares more about finishing, can someone else help with the finishing? Have a team approach to the challenges. See your strengths and voice each others strengths.Acknowledge the differences and how they need to be dealt with. Don’t bury your head in the sand. If it matters to your partner, it matters. This need not be conflictual – these are most often personality differences.They can also be birth order differences. Look out for these in your relationship, acknowledge them and work within them.

3. Take a personality test together and see your differences on paper. I find when I do this with couples it really helps with understanding and takes some of the power struggle away from between the couple and puts the challenges on the outside of the relationship which helps to move to a team approach. I recommend the Meyers Briggs Personality Inventory.If you are not able to see a professional in your area to do this test, you can do a version of that for free online  at http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html which gives you the basics in each type. Or you can contact me and I will send you a list of characteristics and an example of the ways differences in personality characteristics can get in the way of relationships. Click the contact Lynda link.

Remember when you are in a committed relationship with anyone, you have chosen a set of challenges together. Some of these challenges will be resolved fairly easily, others will be resolved over time and some will not be resolved but you will learn to live well around them.

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Make Your Relationship Work and tagged with , , ,
13Feb
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Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day! As Charlie Brown says, “All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt” (Charles M. Schultz). It is terrific that we have this day to mark a celebration of love of all types. Once again, it gives us opportunities to pause and affirm our connections with our partners and our loved ones.

The Catholic Church has a number of Valentine saints and there are some different legends about how Valentine’s Day started. I like this one. Valentine was a priest in the 3rd century when Emperor Claudius II was ruling Rome. Claudius decided that men who had no wives or family were better suited to fight in war. He then made a ruling that no young men could marry. Valentine was a priest during this time, and felt the injustice of this decree. He continued to perform marriages in secret for young men and their lovers. When he was discovered, Claudius II had him put to death and Valentine became a Saint in honour of love.

Make sure you take some moments to celebrate those whom you love in simple but thoughtful and special ways. We have talked about languages of love in other posts but keep in mind that the traditions of Valentine’s Day (gifts) may not be your partner’s language of love. Giving the gift with an addition of words of love (your own) or loving touch or having some real quality time etc. can always be added to your gift to help your partner feel truly loved.

For those of you who have difficulty being romantic, I have completed my 6 Week program for men in helping to increase romance in their relationships. If this seems like something you would like in your relationship, Please click the link below for more information. I have seen some delightful changes in people’s relationships as a result of this program. Enjoy!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How to Love Well and tagged with , , ,
02Feb
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The Stages of a Couple’s Journey

As I see about 20 couples a week, it is fascinating to note the similarities as they go through  their different stages and what they are grappling with in those stages. I like Susan Campbell’s research on intimacy that came out in 1980 which she entitled, the Five-stage Couple’s Journey Map. She looks at relationships as a way for us to grow into more wholeness with ourselves and each other as each stage calls for different pieces of ourselves to take the centre stage in our relationships. When they do and we are able to meet the demands of that stage, we expand our knowledge of ourselves and each other and our self-concept expands as well.

As Dr. Campbell says in her book, The Couple’s Journey, “During the romance period, our “optimist”, our “visionary”, or our “seeker of harmony” may prevail. Later, when power issues emerge more clearly, we may give free reign to our “fighter” or our “negotiator” (p.115). I certainly see this in couples and notice that they can often get stuck when a characteristic is called for that they find difficult or was not modeled for them as a child. It is so helpful to see your marriage as a journey. I have seen couples quit on their relationship within weeks. I also see others who are so stuck on one issue that they are unable to get past that one issue and want to divorce, not understanding the dynamics of the power struggle stage and how the journey brings positive changes. Dr. Campbell’s  five stages are:

1. Romance 2. Power Struggle 3. Stability (a need to look inward for the source of conflicts, not outward – a need for me to accept those parts of you that I have wanted to change – a need to forgive you for not being ideal). 4. Commitment (a learning to choose – assertiveness and yielding – an understanding begins to develop that I can be fully me and still support my partner’s development – a rising to a place of mutual cooperation). 5. Co-Creation (a vision of my relationship as part of a greater whole that has meaning in the greater context of life).

Each stage has its pitfalls, of course, that are resolved on an ongoing basis. Each resolution builds on the one before. This growth in the relationship and within the individuals happens with a set of growth principles that I talk about in other articles, such as courage, respect for differences and the ability to be interdependent among many others.  Can you see yourself in these stages and where you get stuck?

 

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, Relationship Experts and tagged with , , , , ,
28Jan
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Creating Meaning for Yourself

I often see some great guys who are at a certain time in their lives where they feel as if they are overwhelmed by their jobs, their relationships, have little hope for the condition of the world and have basically lost their sense of self and certainly their energy and passion for life. When we are at that place in our lives, it is hard for us and our partners to manage this level of hopelessness. It certainly can come out in more then sadness and a deep tiredness, but sometimes also irritation in our relationships. One of the first things we do together is to look at the roles in their lives that are important to them. Often in their description, there will be a smile. Looking at what you can do (small steps, one – for this week) to make that role more satisfying helps to begin the road back to meaning. Reading a good research based self help book can get you on the road to recovery. Focussing on gratitude every day, having a moratorium on the news for a few months (honestly, the wars, the gangs, the murders, the injustices and failures of humanity – they will all be there when you return) are also helpful in moving your focus to more positive and meaningful moments in your life. Let the joy of others infect you. The laughter of your partner, or the energetic passion of your child. Live these moments with fresh eyes, let yourself move towards celebration. If you are still finding life challenging, a mental health professional, a spiritual mentor or a coach can certainly be helpful. Start today and go forth and be wonderful!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages and tagged with , , ,
25Jan
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Protest Relationship Brokenness by Adding Beauty

If you find that you are stuck in the past in your relationship, where anything your partner does reminds you of a past hurt, this blog might be helpful to you. Other then resolution and forgiveness which we have visited before on this blog, you can also take some action towards beauty in your relationship. If you continue to live in the brokenness of the relationship, it becomes difficult for you to move through the past. As a way to protest the brokenness and renew your relationship, focus on creating beauty each and every day. Every reader will have their own way of creating beauty in the relationship. Don’t make it dependent on your partner – this is something you can do for your own well being. However, if you both want to make this a team effort, it would go a long way to firm your attachment to each other in a positive way. You are making beautiful memories that you can also choose to go back to. Your brain loves it when you focus on beauty. Today I awoke to a beautiful sunrise and recognized the feeling of awe and expansiveness. I still carry that with me as I write this. Enjoy your journey of beauty as you move through your relationship.

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages and tagged with , , ,
23Jan
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Healthy Love and Attachment are about ‘With’ and ‘In’

Sometimes when a couple thinks of making change, there is a very real resistance, a fear of what they may need to do ‘for’ their partner differently. Will they be able to do it, have they tried before and failed or will they even want to do it? Sometimes, the conversation in therapy will be around what I might have to do ‘for’ you or conversely what you don’t do ‘for’ me now. More importantly, love is about other prepositions. It is about the sense of ‘with’, it is about an invitation ‘in’. The cry is about living ‘with’ me. It is about that hole in your heart that represents the sense of separateness, the sense of aloneness in the relationship. The heart says, Please be ‘with’ me in this experience of life. Be ‘with’ me in our life vision. It about the longing for an invitation ‘in’ to your life as a partnership. Living moments of ‘in’ communion together, moments of ‘in’ experiences together, moments of ‘in’ memory together. Out of so much ‘in’ and ‘with’, there is a natural ‘for’ that can come about. But loving relationships cannot always be focussing on ‘for’. Healthy love and attachment are about ‘with’ and ‘in’. Go forth and be wonderful in this!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How to Love Well and tagged with , , , ,
20Jan
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Will You have Courage in your Relationship this Year?

This year consider using more courage in your life and partnership relationship. Become more open in your relationship, more vulnerable. In letting go of your self protection, might you get hurt? Oh yes. In openness, the light also shines in. You are open to experiencing anew and learning about how your partner is thinking. In this vulnerability, you will be helped with acceptance. When you are unable to be courageous, you will often find yourself being closed and rigid – do you recognize that in yourself? In your courageous openness you can afford to be curious about this person that you are committed to instead of having them in a closed box where they cannot grow and be their best with you. In your courageous openness, there is room for your partner to come in to you, to come towards the relationship. You create more safety in your courageous openness. You will often become more lovable to your partner in your openness and vulnerability. So much – yet still the risk of hurt. Can you use what courage you have and make the leap, make the shift? Go forth and be wonderful today!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Make Your Relationship Work and tagged with , , , ,
17Jan
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How to Cross the Great Divide in Relationships

Sometimes couples who see me are so very far apart and they have no idea how to cross this great divide. How can we even hold hands or touch or hug again? they say. The road back can have its initial bumps but it smooths out pretty quickly. Healthy touch is important to human beings, after all! Begin with a commitment on your part to persevere in your behaviour towards a more loving relationship  and  a conversation where you let your partner know that YOU would like to try and change towards a more loving relationship. Starting points are then often about your partner’s language of love (Chapman, 5 Languages of Love). What gestures touch your partner’s heart the most? Begin there. Allow yourself to fail and fumble as you make the changes necessary to meet the deep desires of your heart. Remember that feelings are great followers of actions and thoughts. Make sure that you are focussing on your commitment and love for your partner as you move towards each other because as I often remind you, where you focus gets amplified. Go forth and be wonderful this day!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages and tagged with ,
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