Healthier Marriages Posts

Making Relationship Goals Successfully for 2014

Christmas is over and you are now likely looking at some goals for the year. You may have made and broken some New Years Resolutions already. Yikes! It is true that for most people, New Years Resolutions don’t have any staying power. An alternative way to mark the fact that we would like to have a new start in 2014 and to mark our growth is to have a 3 month project rather then a resolution for the year. Because a great relationship is our theme for this blog, having a 3 month project for your relationship is a great idea. What is it that you need to be or do differently that would make a big difference in your lives together? We often know exactly what that something is, but if not, ask your partner what he or she believes would make the biggest difference in your lives, if you worked on it for the next 3 months. Then together see what you could work on as a team in order to improve your relationship for the better this year. After you have set these goals for the next 3 months, imagine how you each could sabotage your goals over the next 3 months and what you might do about helping that not to happen? How can you support each other in your goals? Ask for what you might need. And depending on the level of the security in your attachment together, you may also help to keep each other accountable. There is one more part of goal setting that turns out to be very important. That is to change the goal from a good idea or wish to an understanding of the meaning of the goal and why you would work hard at making the goal happen. The way you do this is to separately write down why you would carry out these goals – what does it mean to you? How would you be different in your relationship and how would your relationship be different then it is now? And what would that mean to you? Once you have had some thinking time and have a good picture of that, share this with each other. Write your goals down and the why beside it. The writing down is an important step in the process. Find a place to post this that will remind you what you are trying to achieve. Checking in with each other in order to support each other in your goals is a great way to make a connection with each other. Don’t offer advice unless asked but do give support for what your partner is trying to achieve. Go forth and be wonderful in 2014!

Hope as a Choice in Relationships

It is great to reflect on the goodness of the Christmas season in the midst of its challenges. For many people in the world, this Sunday is the first in the celebration of the season and a candle is lit for the hope it represents. We know from research that hope is paramount to living well and flourishing in our lives. I love this quote from Albert Einstein. This is such a perfect quote for couple relationships where we sometimes want to get stuck in reliving the past. Einstein said, ‘Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow’.

From hope research (hope research has a lot in common with resilience research as well) we know:
Hope is about future mindedness.
Hope is about optimism.
Hope trusts in God or a higher power. The Bible is, of course, filled with quotes about hope that psychology also finds to be true. Here is one, ‘you would be secure because there is hope’ Job 11:18. Tons more here – just put in the word hope in the search button www.biblestudytools.com
Hope wants to find paths and solutions to your challenges.
Hope doesn’t allow hopelessness from short-term thinking to move into discouragement about your relationship and feelings of giving up. Hope takes the long view – looks at relationships as a journey.
Hope helps you to keep moving towards your goals and your life purpose, individually and as a couple, even when facing setbacks (like a recent argument).
If you are discouraged about your relationship right now and are thinking of all the ‘can’t’s’ in your life, hope would have you change that into ‘how’. Not thoughts like, we can’t seem to get it together, but how can I do something positive this day to make a change in my relationship? How can I be a better partner? Even if life is sending you garbage, as it sometimes does, you can be creative and find a way to be wonderful. I love this video as an example of that. Can you imagine the thinking outside of the box, the perserverance, and the hope that it took to make this orchestra happen? Take the time to view it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJrSUHK9Luw&sns=em
I HOPE you are encouraged by this. Go forth and be wonderful in your relationship today!

Sent from my iPad

Hierarchy of Relationship Needs

Hierarchy of Relationship Needs:

Recently I have been challenged to write down exactly what I do in couple’s therapy and in relationship coaching. It is a daunting task. When you have been counselling couples for more than 20 years, it seems more like an intuitive art. I am continually being educated every year with new research and I am a voracious reader. This adds to the complexity of what I actually do! I decided to use the model of Maslow’s hierarchy of need and make a hierarchy of committed relationship building skills (or needs – haven’t decided on a name yet) . The theory of Maslow’s hierarchy is that you must have the bottom of the hierarchy fulfilled before moving up the hierarchy. The bottom of the hierarchy is about survival needs such as food and shelter and moves up the hierarchy to the top which is self actualization. It is a useful concept and helped me to put down on paper what I actually do intuitively.

Let me give you an example that might help you in your own relationship. When a couple comes to see me, they are often in high conflict and may even be separated (research shows that couples often come to counselling 3 years too late!). They want help with the conflict but they have walls of self protection that are so high there is not a hope they can work together until they go back down the hierarchy. The bottom of the hierarchy is about creating a secure friendship, one that supports trust and a mutual attachment. Often I am sending the couple away with homework that begins this process by simple non threatening acts that speak the other person’s love language every day until we see each other again. The hope that there may be a possibility of feeling other feelings besides a numbness or anger helps to set the stage for the next level in the hierarchy. This first level includes all that we know about friendship in marriage from research, including, creating a culture of appreciation, creating a space in your mind for knowing your partner and staying up to date on their changing feelings, dreams, expectations, beliefs and perceptions about their world, choosing a positive mindset about your partner, creating emotional safety and of course, creating fun and romance together. Some couples dismiss this layer of the hierarchy and let time pressure and other pressing needs take over their lives (so easy to do) to the detriment of their relationship. One of the lines that I hear often when enquiring what this week’s date night might be in a couple who is just barely hanging on to their relationship is, ‘I haven’t really thought about it’. It is not just chance that the research talks about this first level as the foundation of relationships that actually work.

You might be much higher on the hierarchy then this first level, in fact, you may be at the top, where you are creating a legacy as a couple, deciding what you will give back from your life together. You still need to come back to this level when you notice distance occurring in your relationship or you are going through a difficult time. As in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, many today find themselves in financial difficulty, worried about their survival needs. In the same way, you may come back to this place over and over as life challenges you in your couple relationship in a variety of ways. In other words, when you are having difficulty in your relationship, go here first and make some changes at this foundational level. Go forth and be wonderful in your relationship today!

An Opportunity:
I am creating a course called, “Creating Exquisite Moments of Connection in Your Relationship” and need a small group of couples to do a smaller version of the course. This will be no cost and will require you to be available for 4 calls and time to do some activities with your partner. Please connect with me to see if your needs and the study are compatible.

 

 

Five Ways to Manage Defensiveness in Your Couple Relationship

My blog for this week is about defensiveness. Recently, I have seen the challenges that people have when defensiveness is their strategy when in relationship difficulties. As you may know, it is one of the coping mechanisms that John Gottman has shown through research, that leads to the destruction of relationships. One may wonder why people continue in that vain when it clearly does not work for them in their couple communication. Remember that it is a coping mechanism when you are feeling threatened by something. If you resonate with this strategy as one of your favourites, you have probably been practicing this way of coping for some time. You can also probably see how it has become an automatic response that really needs work in order to manage the impulse. If this is one way that you or your partner recognize as a way you respond, it might be time for some change in this…  When you are defensive, you feel an intensity in the conversation that has you blaming the other or using other nonworking strategies such as shutting down or moving out of the relationship in some way. Your vision of what is going on immediately narrows.The communication becomes difficult or ends. This never ending negative cycle provides a great motivator to learn something new. So what are some ways for you to manage your defenses?

  1.  One of the first skills that is necessary is to check your belief system. What do you believe about relationships? When there are challenges between you and your partner, is it more likely that you both have a part in the challenge or that it is likely one person only. Sometimes when we are not in a conflict, we can clearly  see that certainly when 2 people are in an intimate relationship, there is a shared responsibility. We also find it much easier when we witness others who are in conflict and we can clearly see a shared responsibility in some way. Notice I am not looking at proportionate responsibility. Going there will not alleviate your suffering from the conflict nor head you towards healing of the conflict. Another cognitive adjustment you may need is to look at your willingness to let go of your self protectiveness in your relationship. When you have looked at or adjusted your belief system, you will want to firmly embrace that belief for your conflict management.
  2. Another skill to cultivate is the awareness of your body and emotional internal states. When you are defensive, you are often feeling a fight or flight response in your body. Your heart may begin to race and you can feel your emotions heighten.
  3. When you recognize your heightened internal state, then you need to use the skills of self soothing, such as breathing techniques and self talk that is soothing. Move to a positive mindset where you are thinking thoughts that are positive -‘ we can get through this’. Oh -and remember to keep your mouth closed at this point – possibly the most difficult thing for some to accomplish!
  4. This next part is important for the movement towards resolution of the conflict in your relationship.Your partner  has made a complaint, you have become aware of your immediate desire to become defensive, and you have used the self soothing skills to manage the impulse. You are doing great. Remembering your belief about relationships, you then immediately take responsibility for whatever part you can in what your partner’s complaint is regarding your relationship. This requires listening on your part and while you are self soothing you may have missed the meaning of the message your partner is sending you.  You may ask your partner for more clarification which gives you a bit more time to hear and to let go of your self protectiveness and find what you can to accept responsibility for.
  5. As you are learning this skill, use a repair attempt when you automatically respond with defensiveness instead of using your beginning self control skills. You can say something like, ‘I’m sorry. I wish I had said…’ and let your partner know you are able and willing to accept some responsibility for what happens between you.

Cheering you on in your management of your defensiveness! Go forth and be wonderful!

‘I count him braver who overcomes his desires then him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.’ Aristotle

*Remember there is still room for you in the upcoming workshop to develop your marriage skills. See www.7principlesformakingmarriagework-workshops.com for more information.

 

Stop the Pain of Disconnection in Communication

Both marriage research greats, Sue Johnson and John Gottman, talk about challenges in communication. Sue Johnson looks at communication as an opportunity to create basic safety and security. She encourages couples in her book, Hold Me Tight, to look at the way you dance together to form reactive anger or the pain of dismissing or distancing. As in both Johnson and Gottman therapies, it is important to keep a positive regard for your partner during difficult communication and to frame the dance you are in as the problem. Look at your own relationship and see where you are in your communication. From the outside, in a therapy office it is easy to see the pattern but when you are in it yourself, it is definitely not so easy. Sue Johnson looks at three types of dialogues that you may recognize in your relationship.

1. Find the Bad Guy: This is when one or both of you accuse each other or blame each other for whatever is happening between you.

2. The Protest Polka: This is when John Gottman’s ideas of criticism, contempt, Control, avoidance, defense and stonewalling come into play. His research shows that these lead to the divorce court.

3. Freeze and Flee: This is where a couple mutually withdraws from the relationship and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness occur.

Couples can do all three, according to Sue Johnson, and I have certainly seen that in my practice. Usually, however, there is one dialogue that is played out more then any other between you. Have a conversation with your partner to see which it is that you do together and how you might make changes in this area.

One change that works well is understanding how to make a complaint. Also looking at the bigger picture and not focussing on this one dialogue as a maker or breaker of your relationship. Sue Johnson explains this as looking at the game not the ball or looking at the dance, not the last step only. This frame of mind keeps you out of hopelessness and helplessness and gives you the opportunity to use your constructive self to make some changes. It also allows you to keep a sense of positive sentiment override (John Gottman’s term) for your partner in the midst of the conflict. Of course, self soothing is important as well as being able to soothe your partner as well during the dialogue. These ideas add to the sense of security and stability of the relationship.

Learn more about how to learn these skills in the upcoming workshop on November 2nd and November 9th, 2013. See the website www.7principlesformakingmarriagework.com for more information and for registration.

5 Actions You can Take to End the Year Well Relationally

Fall is here. September is the beginning of the last quarter of the year and a time to evaluate, once again, whether we have created the kind of relationship that we wanted on January 1st, 2013. If you have taken the temperature of your relationship and found it wanting, what are some actions you could take now that will move you towards the couple journey that you would love to have. Here are 5 possibilities.
Say 4 or 5 kind or positive things to your partner today and everyday day this month. What will that do? First it will change you inside. What we say in our relationships matters. In fact, in Gottman’s research, 5 to 1 kind to negative interactions is an indicator of a stable relationship. Whereas, 1 to 5 kind to negative interactions is an indicator of impending divorce.
Honour your partner’s differences. I hear lots of couples who come to a session with me where they reflect on the differences between their partner and themselves. Unfortunately, their partner’s differences become negative personality characteristics in their mind, sometimes resulting in criticism or contempt. When you choose a partner, you choose a set of differences. What you do with those differences is what matters to your inner happiness. Will you adjust and work with your differences, allowing room in the relationship for the other person? Will you honour those differences by allowing them to be an enduring characteristic? From now until the end of the year, do not allow yourself to dwell negatively on your differences, but appreciate them. Laugh a lot about the 2 of you in your relationship.
Be present. When you are with your partner, be there. We are so busy these days and the culture of our technology can sometimes mean that we are multitasking by texting etc. I see it everywhere. Couples sitting in a car where they are both on the phone or sitting in a restaurant together, texting or on the phone. They are beside each other but not being present to each other. You may have heard a complaint from your partner regarding this. Decide for yourself a change you will make in being present to the end of the year.
Add an interest or spark in your life. Take a course together this fall. For instance, take some dancing lessons. The tango is a great dance for couples. Or join a hiking club or something else that would add a new element of experience in your couple life. Consider adding a new spark in your sex life. Even if it is adding another night or morning of love making or adding some sexy new night wear or? Take in a relationship workshop to increase your skills.
Reinstitute your date night. It really makes a positive difference in your relationship. But make it a date night where you have given some thought to your conversation topics. Consider how you can chat with your friends a mile a minute while in some partnerships there are uncomfortable silences or the same conversations about the kids or family again and again. Explore a topic together that you have not explored before. Adopt an attitude of curiosity about your partner’s thoughts and ideas around the topic and it will go well.
Above all enjoy your journey. We get this one opportunity and we are also given the ability to create a great relationship. Pay attention to the positive tools and skills for a great relationship. Be renewed in your quest for more!

If you are in the Vancouver area and would find value in improving your relationship skills, I am offering a workshop for couples using the book, “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work”, by John Gottman, as the text. Please join us. For more information and registration see: www.7principlesformakingmarriagework-workshops.com

Be an Exception Detective

Be an Exception Detective:

When you are not doing well in your relationship, the focus is on what is not working. It is human nature, when focussing on the negative, to feel as if what is going wrong is a long string of events that is a never ending pattern. When I ask couples in this state if there is anything going right in their relationship, they have a difficult time trying to come up with anything. In one of the theories in psychology, Narrative Therapy, one looks for exceptions when there are problems. It doesn’t matter how bad things are, there are always exceptions. There are times when the two of you are working well together in your roles or at your parenting or teaming up together against a problem. It is just that your focus is not there – you are not noticing these times.
One of the ways to make changes in a relationship is to begin to look for the positive exceptions that occur in your relationship. Focus on how well you do at certain times. What is it that you do that makes those times work? What is it that you are saying to yourself? What is it that you are actually doing? What is your attitude? What is your level of hopefulness that you can both do whatever it is? Notice what was happening before this event occurred. What was your stress level that day?
Compare that to the times when you are not doing well. Notice what you are saying to yourself then. What has occurred in your day that perhaps is getting dumped into the problem? What particular worries might have impacted your negative events and caused your stress level to be up when negotiating your life with your partner? What were you doing or not doing at that time? What was your attitude and your level of hopefulness that you could work together? Had you given up?
Take this bit of detective work into the exceptions in your relationship to the next level and use the principles in what works in your relationship to improve it. It sounds simple. We need to have behaviour patterns that do more of what works and less of what does not work. Unfortunately, what we often do is to do the same thing over, just trying harder at it, in the hopes that we will get a different result. Do what works and remember, again, what you focus on, gets amplified. Make sure that what you are focussing on in your relationship is what you want to have amplified. Go forth and be wonderful!

Be a Partner with Options for Your Relationship

Sometimes when couples are stuck, they are reviewing their situations over and over without letting in any new thinking. This really limits their options and creates a painful thinking loop that restricts creative problem solving.

Begin to have a mindset that looks for options in your relationship. Have the discipline of asking yourself to think diferently about your issues. Ask yourself, Is this thought about my situation the same as my thoughts before, or am I thinking something new, something different about our problem together? Having options helps us to make creative solutions in our relationships. The more options we have, the more likely we will be able to find new paths to go down that we have never thought to go before. Sometimes this journey of options needs to be done alone in the couple relationship, but most often it becomes more synergistic to do it together as a couple.

What do we do when we seem to be in the loop of thinking that keeps us stuck? Recognize where you are and commit to think differently. Sometimes our good friendships can offer a new way of looking at our challenge that we cannot see. Ask them. Or find a couple whose relationship has stood the test of time and they continue to  have a positive view of relationships. Another idea is to find books on the subject – they too can be helpful to give us the spark that we need to think differently.

Commit today to put away your repetitive negative thinking and begin to generate positive options for your situation. Go forth and be Wonderful!

6 Relationship Survival Tips for those with Young Kids and Adolescents

I see many couples with young children or with kids in adolescence whose relationship is drooping or they are even to the point of separation. It is true that on this marital journey, research shows that these are 2 times in the relationship, where marital satisfaction can be the most difficult.

  1. Resolve to become even more of a team together with your partner. This does not mean that you will parent identically to your partner but supporting your partner as a parent is necessary. Remember that you both have good intentions towards your kids. Take steps to repair what needs to be repaired in your relationship. Now is the time. You are modelling for your kids how to live in a relationship every day. This is the most powerful teaching there is. Even more then your words every day.Take time for a date night to continue to develop your marital friendship. This is not an option. During these more difficult times, your connection together is most important and must be attended to.
  2. Do not be alone in raising your kids. Look outwards and get help from your family. If you do not have family, trade some time with friends. In our day and age, it takes  more then 2 people to raise children. You need respite from your kids and they need respite from you. You also need a great babysitter, especially if you do not have willing family or friends.
  3. Do not spend time in parent guilt. Everyone has the propensity towards parent guilt. Wallowing in it is not helpful. Changing your future behaviour is productive and a great response to that guilt. If it is too late, forgive yourself and move on.Your kids will learn their life lessons from more then just you.
  4.  Stay in the present . Do not future catastrophize your kids from their present behaviour. In fact, talk about your kids as you expect they will be in the future in a positive way. For example, “I know you lied to me today, but I know that as you continue to grow, you will become a trustworthy adult”.
  5. Do not parent in relation to the way you were parented or wish you were parented. Your children are not you and have not had the same life experience that you had. Parent them in response to what you see that they need. Do not try to treat each of your children the same. Notice they are very different from each other and need different things from you.
  6.  Make constant efforts at relationship connection with your kids. Make the relationship with your kids a high priority. Find out their language of love and practice it. This gives you the maximum benefit for the time and effort spent in your relationship with each of your kids.

If you understand that others share these times as more difficult, it can be helpful. Now may be the time for some parent coaching or getting together with others who are struggling. These times will pass but you must consider making the most of them. Each stage in a relationship is an invitation for you to learn something about yourself and it is an opportunity for positive change in your relationship.

 

 

3 Ways to Combat The Dangers of Technology to Relationships

Let’s face it. Technology has crept up on us rapidly and changed the face of our relationships with each other in just a few short years. Of course, it has its positives and I would not want to do without my computer, ipad and iphone. However, it is not just kids who have challenges in balancing technology, adults too have their challenges with technology, particularly in the area of relationships.

You may notice that you are increasingly unwilling to let a text sit without responding to it no matter what is happening in your family. There is certainly research evidence building that social media involvement builds discontent. Certainly, when couples each spend what used to be time together and now becomes time away on their computer device, distance is created, even without intention. When texting with your partner, especially if you try to discuss a pressing issue, the danger of miscommunication is an everyday difficulty. The building of couple resilience, attachment and connection takes time daily and it is difficult enough to come by that time without the insistent call of technology. So what are some things you might do about this that will help you to build fences around your relationship in regards to the influence of internet technology.

  1.  Set aside a time for yourself and assess your own life and the balance of technology. Ask yourself questions about time and how you are spending it. Does the amount of tech time align with your values? If you spent less time on the internet, what would you want to do with that time? What do you need to change personally?
  2.  Sit down together as a couple and hear each other regarding where you think the boundaries need to be around technology and the current irritations you feel around each other’s use of technology. Each couple relationship will have different needs in this regard. Come to this table discussion with an open mind and heart, willing to come together, taking both of your needs into account. Get agreement on what changes you want to institute and then support one another in that.
  3. Assess what has  been lost by your use of technology. For example, have you lost touch with a good friend who does not text or a family member, such as a great grandmother who does not text? What about your children? I often see mom’s texting while walking their child, where in other times there would be lots of communication with the child on a walk. These are just a couple of examples of loss that creeps up on us. When you become aware of this, you may want to commit some of your tech time to other forms of communication that leads to a re-connection of these losses that you may still value.

Some things that other couples have tried and found helpful are to have no tech times such as meal times together. Also having a place in the house where everyone drops their devices when it is a family or couple time or time for shutting down for the day can be an important habit.

The rapidity of change in technology makes it important for you, your relationship and your family  to  do this reassessment every 3 months or so in order to live your life according to your personal values and meaning. Go forth and be wonderful in this!