At this time of the year, when I assign homework in my private practice with couples, they will sometimes say, we did not have time to even connect with each other. For those of you who are saying that to yourselves and putting everything wonderful about the season ahead of your marriage, listen up. I love to bring you great research regarding how to have a healthy relationship. However, sometimes it is profitable to look at other research to find out some secrets of greatness. In the late 1990’s there was an extensive review of people who where experts in sports, music, chess and visual arts (among others) to find out what separated these greats from others. It turns out that daily deliberate practice spanning a minimum of 10 years, even 20 years was a better predictor of world class greatness in their field then anything genetic like intelligence or even talent. It really was sustained hard work over many years that brought about the distinction of greatness. When thinking of marriage, it is not your family of origin that needs to predict your greatness in marriage – find out some good information and use sustained effort. For you who are discouraged, get back to the long-term effort that a great marriage takes – practice, practice practice. Go forth and be wonderful – I am cheering you on!
Healthier Marriages Posts
Restorative Sleep Helps to Have a Healthy Relationship
Trying to do it all, including having a great relationship in our culture can be difficult. There are many impacts in our daily lives that pull at our emotional energy, leaving us less then prepared for the emotional demands of our relationships. One of the best things to help restore emotional energy is to have restorative sleep. Many studies show that North Americans suffer from too little sleep in this day and age. Taking responsibility for our own restorative sleep is important to our relationship.
Consider teaching yourself to sleep once more. Remind yourself that your bed is for sleeping and not for planning and worrying. Alternative health suggests rubbing your ears for 20 minutes before sleep. There is also research to suggest that taking a pure form of melatonin will also help with sleep. Of course, eating well (not late), not over drinking and exercising is also helpful to sleep. Making love before sleep also helps to have a restorative sleep. Napping, very specific amounts of time, can also be helpful for restorative sleep. If this is a difficulty for you, where will you start to make a change? Go forth and be wonderful in this – you will feel differently and look at yourself, your world and your relationship differently too!
Date Nights in Marriage
This is one of the most important things a couple can do to create a healthy relationship. No, it doesn’t count when you take your children or have a couples night out. This is a time to renew and create your coupleship, your friendship. Marriages are not a fairy tale where the prince kisses the princes and they live happily ever after. Especially in our day and age. They take some time and effort. It is hard to balance our lives with work and kids and health and all the rest of what we might do, but signing on for marriage means that it takes a top priority. When each of you hold the relationship in top priority it helps to build and sustain the trust in your relationship, which in turn keeps the foundation of your relationship firm. Make this a sacred marriage tradition. Go forth and be wonderful in this!
Healthy Relationship Stories
When you are telling yourself the story of your relationship, what parts do you pick out? When I am listening to couples who are mostly well but are coming to counselling in order to get through a certain issue in their lives in this moment, their stories are positive and filled with life. For couples who are basically not doing well, their stories are filled with negativity. Yet when examined, their actual life stories can be quite similar, with the usual ups and downs of a long term committed relationship. It is mostly what parts of their story that they are focussing on.The cost of reviewing your relationship in a never ending loop of negativity stretching back years is that you increase your own personal pain as well as your partners. Find something positive to focus on today – it will have great rewards physically, emotionally and relationally! Go forth and be wonderful!
Summer Fun
Take advantage of summer fun and let it restore your marriage. Plan for relaxing the usual routine in the house and let yourself relax into the warmth and play of summer days. If you are working through the summer, come home and change into play clothes immediately. Changing clothes helps to transition into a different space psychologically. Eat out on your patio or grass, spend time in nature. Being present to what you are doing is so important to your restoration. Leave your stress and worries, leave the past and focus on the present beauty of today. Focus on being together, the love you share and find gratitude for each other and your relationship life together. Go forth and be wonderful today.
Marriage Traditions
As we come to July 1st in Canada and July 4th in the US we are reminded of the importance of traditions. In many families today, traditions are a things of the past. You may have fond memories of your childhood history, “remember when we…” but have had difficulty in doing that in your own generation with your own family. Of course, remarriage can be a block to this as many other things in our culture at this time can be. However, research would say that building experiences and fond memories in your relationship, both as a couple and as a family is an important part of living in a healthy way. It is never too late to start a tradition and the coming holiday weekend might provide a way for you to begin soon.Go forth and be wonderful!
Relationship Power in Healthy Marriages
Balancing the power and voice in relationships is not necessarily easy. There are personality differences in using our voice. Also feeling powerless in one area of life can make one want to compensate for this sense of powerlessness in their intimate relationship. An unbalanced relationship eventually leads to unhappiness in the relationship. It is one of the complaints that I hear often when at least one partner has their foot out the door of the relationship. One of the ways to change the imbalance once you have recognized it, is to notice how you look at your partner. Is there an element of power struggle between you that has you speaking to each other in a win/lose way? Changing your vision of your partner to someone who you respect and has an equal and different offering in the relationship is your first step. Once your vision has changed, then look at how you speak to your partner and how you listen to your partner. Is that language and hearing one of an equal partner? All of us have experienced the pain of being in a relationship with a loved one where you cannot be heard. It automatically creates distance even when you would not want that to happen. Stay in the present moment and in this relationship when relating to your partner. Make sure your needs are each being heard and attended to. Your best solutions are those that take into account the relationship needs as well as each partner’s need. A great partner really wants to have his/her partner to experience a healthy sense of self in the relationship as well as developing their own sense of self in the relationship. Go forth and be wonderful in your relationship today!
Remarriage Challenges
I was a part of a huge study as a researcher at the University of British Columbia on Blended FamiliesStep. Remarriages have the challenges of a first marriage as well as added complications. For instance, another set of adults who may be quite conflicted as well as the scheduling and relationship issues of children going back and forth. During certain periods of time in the life of the kids and the second relationship, there is a great deal of stress and it takes a very deliberate effort on the part of a couples to make it all work. You don’t have to be a statistic but don’t take the statistic lightly that reports that second marriages have a poorer chance of staying together. Making a healthy relationship your top priority and focussing a part of your time and effort on your relationship is what it takes. Having some respite by having the kids looked after by others for some weekend getaway time is really necessary for rejuvenating the relationship and cementing your attachment again. Whatever it takes in trading kids or asking relatives is worth it. You can do this. Go forth and be wonderful!
Marriage Communication – Are You on My Team?
There has been lots of emphasis in my marriage counselling recently on the idea of couples wanting to be on the same team. Establishing the idea of team early in the relationship is very helpful but it can still be hard to sustain the idea of team in relationship over time. Somehow in the stresses and disappointments in a day, it is much easier to separate emotionally and consider that the other has poor intentions towards the relationship. This is a choice you can make in your relationship. By making the choice towards holding the belief that your partner has good intentions, you are part way to the place of understanding and team. When something goes wrong on a hockey team, the team members do not automatically go to bad intentions towards their team mate. The team goes back to the drawing board to work out how to do better as a team the next time. The team mate who made the mistake, practices more and endeavours to change themselves. When you choose to have a mindset that believes in your partners good intentions, you can have a conversation that allows you to look out for the holes in your team and work out how to be a better team the next time. You can brainstorm how to make changes individually and as a team to strengthen the attachment together, and know that it is “you together” against the world. Peace and strength to your house!
Fathers Day
Today is the day that we think about and celebrate Fathers. The role of fathering has changed in the past 30 years. Part of this is the fact that woman now work outside their home and the other is that marriages break down more often and fathers are faced with care taking their children in ways they have not experienced before in their 50/50 custody and care taking agreements. I am often coaching fathers in these situations to help them see the part of the picture that their partner used to assume. These can be challenging times and need to be a reason to make your marriage work as a dad. It is important in your relationship to negotiate your mom and dad roles together as the kids needs and your needs change. If you are the type of person that has certain expectations regarding parenting, you will need to work extra hard at letting go when your partner does their role from their gifts and personality and not yours. Criticism and contempt shoot holes in relationships and lead to the dissolution of relationships. Working at acceptance of the other as well as accepting influence from the other is an ongoing theme in successful relationships and fathering.
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