You remember in a kind of distant way that you used to enjoy making love to each other and you had the energy and drive to do so. Now, you barely have your bed to yourselves without another young child in with you. I remember times when I could not even escape to have a private moment in the bathroom – I am sure you are experiencing that too if you are reading this. When you do have a moment to yourselves, you often just collapse and fall asleep with sex being at the bottom of your priority list. It is not that your love or commitment to each other has left the relationship. It is the context of your life that is getting in the way. At this time in your life, you must rearrange the way that you think of making love. It needs to become not so much about the orgasm between you (only a few seconds) but the way you lovingly, deeply and romantically connect with each other. So what can you do about it?
1. Always be responsive to making a love connection all day. Become more attuned to each other so this responsiveness adds to your emotional zest rather then taking it away. For instance, something as simple as when you leave each other, make sure to look in each other’s eyes and give each other a satisfying kiss and hug. Do the same when you and your partner reconnect. This simple connection has been shown by research to have a profound effect on your relationship.
2. Keep positive loving thoughts about your partner close to the surface of your mind. If possible, connect during the day by phone or text, letting your partner know you love them.
3. Use touch way more often then you have done so before. As you pass each other, a light touch on your shoulder or hand is important and affirms your physical connection together. Have more spontaneous hugs.
4. Purchase a book that you can write what you like/love about your partner once a day or every other day. This simple habit is really helpful to keep remembering the positives about your partner and your relationship when your kids take a lot of your attention and emotional energy. It is fun to go back on this book over time and relish what you each loved about each other. So the stems of the sentences you use could be: I like it when you…. I love that part of you… etc. It is one book that you each write in, passing it back and forth.
5. Plan for an extended time to make love. Don’t even try for spontaneity in making love at this time of your life. Put lovemaking on the calendar. If possible, have a friend or family member look after the kids, even for an hour and a half. If you are fortunate to have longer, have some romance and a simple dinner together. A movie is not recommended. You can do that when your kids are asleep and at home. Watching a movie does not take full advantage of the intimate connection between you. When this planned date occurs, relax, play and enjoy each other and the fun of making love.
6. If your child is sleeping with you every night, at the expense of your sexual intimacy, begin to help your child into their own bed. There is a whole theory about the advantages of the ‘family bed’ but I believe that there are more advantages for kids to be securely attached and able to self soothe in their own bed, knowing that their parents are still there for them when needed. Invite your kids into your bed for a cuddle in the morning when they wake up, but do give them and your partnership intimacy the advantages of moving them into their own bed.
7. When you finally do have time to make love, do not allow the little irritations and annoyances of life to keep you apart. Remember that marriage is a journey and you will have time to sort out those annoyances on another day. They will appear again and today is for romance. Remember, for women especially, making love begins in our mind so you really need to put the annoyances on the shelf in order to come to this precious time together in a frame of mind that will allow you both to enjoy each other.
Really! These 7 ideas will work to help you continue to romantically and lovingly connect during this time. Put these ‘must do’s’ in a prominent place where you are able to weave them into your relationship to create something wonderful!
