“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island
What a great truth! Loving well can be difficult for us to do. I notice that in sitting with couples that one or both partners want their partner to change in some way and have let their partners know over and over regarding this change. I am not talking about major issues such as violence or addictions which must change in order to have a marriage. I am talking about the everyday issues that can add up and distance us if we let them. A small example might be that one partner believes that the shoes belong in the closet where they do not trip over them when they walk in the door or that when their partner has finished with their tea, they need to put their cup in the dishwasher. This may happen for years as it becomes a power struggle between the couple and interferes with their view of their partner and their love connection. We forget that our partner is not us and that they do not necessarily share
our values about shoes and cups in dishwashers etc. Yes, we do need to work some of these issues out satisfactorily but they cannot come between us in a way that we are trying to have our partner become who we are. Spending constant time trying to change our partner over years begins to erode the love that we have together. Spending time problem solving over these issues or getting some of what we may want can be helpful. For instance, purchasing a basket by the door that your partner can throw his or her shoes in might be a partial solution. Picking them up yourself in a spirit of love can work. Acceptance of your partner’s differences is the key. These issues become even more difficult when there are kids from another relationship and you are trying to set some boundaries that they are not used to. Spending more time affirming and enjoying who are partner is (or our partner’s kids) helps to cement attachment. Changing the way we frame our partner and enjoying their quirks and differences as separate from the way we are, increases the satisfaction in our relationships. It creates the kind of safety that over time, helps our partner want to change those very small details of our lives together. Write out the above quote and see where you might make a difference in this area of your loving.
